Some Things I Just Can't Say...

I’m not dead. I’m moving.

holly292 — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 19:39:37 +0000

To tumblr that is. I’ll post link later. I’ll shut down soon. Good bye :)

This is the Real Thing

holly292 — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 23:19:04 +0000

I’m so indecisive. I have no clue what’s going on these days. The days pass by with me confused. I often forget what the day is. I guess I’m just one of those people. I might just be going through a state on mental war. And I barely have any allies.

So what’s going on? I don’t know. I guess I’m just getting backstabbed so much now. First by Veronica and Isabel, and now by two more friends. Since my friends will never read this blog since their so caught up in Facebook, I’ll just say it. Now, Natalie is flirting with Freddie. It’s like my own friends hate me. Well, now, the only friends I have at school are Jen and Justin.

I’m just happy it the weekend. I don’t have to see them. It hurts to see them giggling with him, and I always feel like jumping in front of a speeding car, or maybe plunge down into ice cold water. Maybe I could set myself of fire. I’d rather die a fast and numb death rather than a slow and painful one.

Anyways, aside from all the angst-filled stuff, today, I have seen the sun after so long. Today, in New York City, the sun is shining and the temperature is fifty degrees. Unfortunately, I had to spend the late afternoon with Sam. Sam is my tutor, and he’s, well, special. He’s nineteen or twenty and has a band. I don’t like him. I’ve never been able to connect with him. Today he taught me about slopes and called himself a nerd. Cause he is.

Well…I don’t know what else to say. So…farewell, and keep on swaying.

Feeling: Fallen

Listening To: This Providence – This Is the Real Thing

Snow, snow, snow

holly292 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 22:16:44 +0000

Once again, another snow day. A miracle for students in New York City: two snow days in one month. We rarely have snow days. Although, snow day started out awfully for me. I had to help my dad clean the car, which he decided to park in the street instead of the garage. And there was, like, one foot of snow outside. My neighbor, Luke, and his father help us out, so I didn’t have to do much work.

Anyways, the Valentine’s Day Dance passed, and it wasn’t that bad. The period before that dance, my class had the laptops, and Isabel and her lackey, Veronica, were helping decorating the gym, where the dance was held. And I was upstairs in the classroom with Cristina and Freddie. It was probably the first time he actually started talking to me without someone connecting us. And he also held my hand :) Then, when we were going downstairs, Nicole, his ex, called out to Cristina and he had the weirdest face on. “Please go downstairs with me,” He said. I nodded as I went downstairs with him. And then, as we basically spent the dance together, well, with Hanna, Cristina, and Justin, too :)

And then, he was silent during the break, and then until last Wednesday. He and some of his friends decided to play telephone, and he invited me to play. And then, he sat next to me, and so I had to whisper into his ear, and vice versa. Gosh, Isabel and Veronica were fuming! I don’t know if I love him or not. I guess I’m just messed up.

So, what else is up? I guess the Olympics. Natalie doesn’t care about the sports; she cares about the dudes playing them. She called dibs on Shaun White and Apolo Ohno. I don’t know what she meant by that but she said I could have J.R. Celski. I googled him, and I found out he’s pretty cute.

Feeling: Giddy

Listening To: Nothing :(

Wonders of the Innocent Brain

holly292 — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 21:45:55 +0000

It’s a snow day! Yesterday, during Spanish, our principal announced that school would be closed today, and we all screamed out of happiness. We never have snow days. This is the second snow day we had since the school was built, and I experienced both of them. I feel so proud! Unfortunately, I can’t go outside. There is, like, a foot of snow outside. My dad’s a doctor, and the hospital he works for declared this snow storm an emergency, and no one’s allowed to leave, unless there is a severe emergency. My dad was supposed to come home last night, but he won’t be back until tomorrow morning! The neighborhood looks so pretty. I decided to go outside all bundled up, but the moment I stepped outside, I went blind by the blizzard.

Anyways, on a happier note, Valentine’s Day is approaching. I have no Valentine as of today, the tenth of February. I hated seeing the Valentine’s Day fliers being handed out. I’m probably going to have to spend my time with Justin during the dance. Jen’s not going to be there, Natasha’s going to be with Alex, and the rest of my friends will be dancing, and I don’t want to dance with them. Oh, well, Justin and I will stock up on candy so we can survive the dance.

Anyways, my graduation picture came in. Everyone says I look adorable, but I still want a retake. Also, my high school results came in. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the school of my choice, but I got a better school. Apparently, my high school is the thirty-third best high school in America. I don’t feel much special. My parents are super happy. The moment I told my dad about my results, he started crying happy tears, and my dad doesn’t cry.

I’ve been having weird dreams. Dreams of running away. I don’t know why I’m having these dreams, but Jen believes that dreams come true. So, is she implying that I’m going to run away? Oh, I’m so confused.

Feeling: Locked up
Listening To: The Summer Set – She’s Got the Rhythm

Heartful Hell

holly292 — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 23:00:50 +0000

Today was an interesting day. I played fetch with Jubilee, Hanna, and Adam, Jubilee being the dog. Hanna, Adam and I all had separate sticks, so we’d make Jubilee run back whenever she came back with a stick. At first, I was playing with Hanna, and then Hanna decided to give the stick to Adam and told him not to Jubilee. When he saw Jubilee, he became running and screaming. Last year, Jubilee used to torture Adam a lot, so he’s frightened at the thought of being two feet near her. But, he was so adorable! Once in a while, I’d hear Adam yelling, “I have a stick!”, and the stupid kids thought it in a perverted way. When we had to go back to class, I tripped over a rug, since it was folded, and then Adam tripped. The stupid basketball team laughed at him! Aww!

Although, he has became quite annoying. He started doing this thing with folded paper where he flicks it and it makes a popping sound. It does get annoying whenever he’s behind me and it’s really quiet. But, I can never get mad at him.

As for Freddie, I don’t really know. I saw him crying one day, and I felt so bad. He looked so innocent, yet he’s not. I remembered in fifth grade he was crying, but then, he was small and powerless, like the rest of us. It does hurt seeing him another girl, but I’ll manage to get over it sometime, hopefully by Valentine’s Day.

As the weather gets colder each day, I feel as though everyone’s heart is growing colder. I feel as though no one wants me to be happy, sometimes not even my friends. It hurts, but sometimes, being alone feels good, too. When I’m alone, I can actually be myself without being criticized. People say not to care about what others think, and at first, you don’t but then people pressure you to change and become what you aren’t. My whole point to this is that all this motivation sometimes isn’t helpful.

Anyways, on another note, a happier note, Valentine’s Day is coming up. This is an important holiday in my school, and the Valentine’s Day Dance is even more important. Natalie’s going to be spending time with her boyfriend, Alex (I forgot how many times they were on-and-off.) and Freddie may be my friend now, but he’s going to be spending time with other girls. What am I going to do? Sit around with my buddies who I hang out with during dances, Jen and Justin. Sometimes, Justin forces me to go dance with Adam and him and Jen, but Jen and Justin leave, and then Adam’s occupied with doing the moonwalk. Perhaps I could sulk around with Jason, who keeps on getting dumped. Or not. Maybe I could offer to sell goodie bags outside the gym, when all the selling happens. But, Freddie sometimes sells stuff, so I’d rather not. Maybe I will be absent that day, but my parents won’t let me do that. I’d rather say it: Valentine’s Day’s going to be hell.

Feeling: Clueless
Listening To: We the Kings – All Again For You

It’s Kinda Late…

holly292 — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 23:03:31 +0000

2010’s finally here!!! Well, it’s been here for, like, three weeks. It’s the end of an amazing decade, and a greater decade is at the tip of our fingers. Last year has been so and so, and I’m hoping this year’s going to be better. I’m so happy I decided to not go to the ball drop. Why? One, the ball didn’t drop, two, it was cold and rainy, and three, Justin Bieber wasn’t there! He was in Las Vegas! Anyways, a lot of people made New Year’s resolutions that are reachable, (hopefully.) Here’s the list.

1. To get better grades than last year. (basically, instead of an A, I’m going for an A+)

2. To actually bother to read To Kill a Mockingbird. (it’s taunting me from my bookshelf.)

3. To create an entire comic. (I never finish them.)

4. To never ever, ever, EVER fall for stupid ol’ Freddie. (he’s a poophead.)

5. To lose some baby fat. (I can’t take anymore cheek-pinching.)

6. To never fall for those really cute guys on my bus, the ones with the awesome hair and cool clothes. (I have a habit of talking to really cute strangers, which is illegal, I think.)

I know my math teacher hates me. She sat me next to the poophead Freddie again. And she rearranged the table so there are two people per table. Awkward. I think she hates me, but she gives me good grades. Maybe she has mixed feelings for me? But, Isabel and her lackey’s making me mad. How dare she sit at my lunch table and flirt with Freddie there! How dare she call Natasha a girl who sleeps with a lot of guys! (I dare not say those mean words.) I hate her so much. And to think we were such good friends. Maybe all friendships don’t work out.

Anyways, as for Freddie and I, we’ve been working things out. He’s my…friend. I had to choke that last word out. Yeah, we are. It’s so painful. But, it’s okay. He sits with me during lunch. He makes me worried by attempting to cut his hair. He has food fights with me and Jubilee. He and Jen argue about the stupidest things. He’s not as bad as I thought.

One of the girls in my class suggested that I make a Polyvore account. If you don’t know what that is. It’s a website were you make sets using clothes, accessories, pictures, etc. She says I have a great style. (thank you!) So I did. I would love if you could set aside five minutes to check out my sets. The URL: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/profile?id=1256307. Thank you!

Feeling: Unusual
Listening To: Ke$ha – Backstabber (cause some of my “friends” are.)

Nostalgic Memories And Obsessions

holly292 — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 17:06:07 +0000

Christmas is over. I was hoping for a white Christmas, but I didn’t get that, did I? I did get a couple of gifts. I got a sweater and two shirts from Aeropostale, mittens from Hollister Co., A perfume set (some Paris Hilton perfume. Probably some message from one of my friends saying that I’m like Paris Hilton.) and new Converse, Chuck Taylors, whatever you call them. Apparently I’ve been bad since I also got a picture of coal. I wonder who went bothered to take a picture of coal and give it to me. Probably Jubilee or Hanna.

Speaking of Aeropostale, I went there two days ago with my cousin, Bella. (not Swan) While I was looking at a ninety dollar sweater. (can’t say it was a rip-off, it looked like it is worth ninety.) and then two boys walk in. One with crutches and another with pink skinny jeans. (not awkward.) The one with the pink skinnies looked so familiar, yet I don’t know where I saw him before. He seemed like he knew me, too, because he (almost) talked to me. By almost I mean, he came over to me, but my cousin pulled me away. He was cute, but so familiar. Where, oh, where did I see him before?

Luke, my neighbor/friend/skateboarder, is very complicated. (yes, he’s the only I dubbed as “skaterdude”.) He forgot what year it will be next year. I saw him with those glasses that say the year on it, but it said 2008. He’s sort of two years late. He thinks skating in the street is safe, well, all of the skateboarders think that. I could’ve sworn he fell in the street and then a car was passing by and he crawled away. Damn, I should’ve taken a video! He likes dipping his wavy potato chips in condensed milk, the really sweet on, and eating it. Well, it tastes sort of good, so I can’t complain. If you put that all aside, Luke’s pretty awesome. Sort of. He has family problems and I should be talking about them, so I won’t, but he manages to stay happy.

I think I might be mad at Natalie. Ever since she hooked up with Alex (again. God, how many times is that?) she began treating her friends as if they were not as important as Alex. Sure, Alex is her boyfriend, but she began ignoring her friends completely. On the last day of school before break, she didn’t sit with us during lunch, she sat with Alex. When all her friends are on AIM, she only talks to Alex.

So, aside from all the drama, a new year is approaching. I saw the commercial for the Dick Clark’s New Year’s Celebration. Apparently, Justin Bieber’s coming. And I’m supposed to go to Times Square to see the ball drop. Justin Bieber’s really going to be there. So if I go, will I see Justin Bieber? God, if Justin Bieber’s going to be there, Briana’s going to be there, definitely. She is the “I Love Justin Bieber” queen. There are so many pictures of him on her binder. There are, like, ten posters of him in her room. She’s crazy. He’s cute and all, but girls in my school shouldn’t obsess about him so much. Another teen icon in our school: Taylor Lautner. Girls love him but they don’t obsess about him as much as do about Justin. I have theory about that. The reason why girls in the pre-teen, teen age obsess about him so much is because fifteen (right?) and they could see Justin Bieber as their boyfriend, but not Taylor because he’s like, eighteen. (guessing.) I can’t see any famous person as my boyfriend, I can imagine some boy next door who I have a lot in common with.

Feeling: Bittersweet
Listening To: We The Kings – Heaven Can Wait

This Christmas, I Have A Broken Heart

holly292 — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 02:09:18 +0000

Today was my Holiday Concert, and it was awesome! Sort of. Ish. Well, after school, me and Natalie changed out of uniform and into red tops and dark-washed jeans. Then we went to McDonalds with Jen. At first I didn’t want to go because I knew Freddie was gonna be there, but when we got there, he wasn’t there. So we ate McDonalds in peace, but when we left, we saw HIM! Yes! HIM! He pelted us with snowballs, which wasn’t nice. But, what do you do when you’ve got an annoying meatball and snow? And then we walked back to school. Together. Well, sort of. Natalie was all the way in the front and Nathan (remember him?) was all the way in the back. And then he listened to my iPod. And he liked it, too. I saw his mommy, too. His mommy’s changing her hair color every other week. I think I might be falling for him, again. I really hope not. I like my loveless life.

Just before we were to go on stage we had to go to the band room. Natalie’s not in band, so she didn’t come with me and Freddie. The Santa hat my band teacher gave me was too small, so I wore my own hat. Then, Freddie wore the small one and he looked like an elf! Lawlz. I saw Adam wearing a Harvard sweater (I have no clue how he got that.) and he was asked me where to get the pizza. I told him the pizza was finished and he was sad, awww, poor Adam!

And then we began. I was quite distracted from Freddie, too. It was awkward having him look at you. At least I managed to play. Adam…not so much. He sort of freaked out because of the large crowd and began to cry on stage. After we played, I saw Freddie with his arms around a girl. Right, I forgot. He has a girlfriend. Well, that dampened my day. I got white roses from my parents and I got two red rose bouquets from God-knows-who. Natalie knows but won’t tell me. Maybe there from the stalker kid. Damn, that kids everywhere!

Feeling: Gloomy
Listening To: The Maine – Last Christmas

Those Awkward Boys

holly292 — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 01:41:15 +0000

It was snowing yesterday, and now there’s, like, two feet of snow outside. I really love snow, but my mom’s not letting me go outside. I have really cute mittens and I want to see if I could make a snowball with them. It should snow on Christmas Day, but the weatherman said it’s going to rain on Christmas Day. That sucks cheap candy canes. That reminds me, Justin bought everyone Christmas presents. I got a Kuromi plush. (I love Kuromi!) Now, I need to get him something very important! Maybe a gift card for iTunes, he loves music. Or maybe a shirt ordered from Glamour Kills. Well, I’ll need to get him something.

The drama never stops. Never ever stops. During Algebra, instead of working on interest, I was counting how many people like Freddie. With my fingers. “What the hell are you doing? There’s a calculator right in front of you,” Freddie tells me. “Do your own work, idiot.” I told him, though it hurt to say that. Seven. Seven girls. Seven girls like him. And I’m happy I’m not one of them.

I’m friends with two of Freddie’s friends. It’s that Italian boy, whose name is Ryan (not very Italian, is it?) and another annoying boy, Lukas. Ryan is in all my classes and he sits next to me during English. Sometimes my English teacher lets me, Ryan and Cristina go outside during reading time. (cause she likes us :p) And sometimes (okay, always.) Lukas drops by, annoying the hell out of us. Lukas is really annoying, have I mentioned that? One day, he comes out of nowhere (well, he’s always coming out of nowhere.) and leans on me. Awkward. He’s in Hanna’s classes, and Hanna says he’s dysfunctional. I think that Ryan and Lukas live in the same house. They say stuff like that, but who knows. They even wear the same type of clothes. Weird, huh.

So, I was reading the Time’s most Influential People list (why? Because I have to research a person from that list.) and I found out that Zac Efron was on it. Should I research him? It’d be really odd if I handed my teacher a report on Zac Efron. Gosh, that guy’s cute. He kind of reminds me of Chace Crawford and Thomas Fiss. Awkward:]

So, Physical Education was awkward today for me. We measured body fat. I expected to have a high body fat percentage because I have a little flab. :p Instead, I got two millimeters (we measured each other with a pinchy thingy that tells how much millimeters of flab you have.) and Jubilee got five, and she’s, like, ninety pounds!!! So, anyways, we had partners, and me and Jubilee were partners and these two other girls, Brianna and Kristina were partners. (Not Ed Hardy Cristina.)We four didn’t want to take our shirts off in front of all the girls so we went into the stairwell. So, technically, it was a group of four. So, then, we had to take our shirts off to check the fat near the backbone, and thankfully, the school orders girls to wear tank tops underneath polos. And then, the most embarrassing thing happened. When me and Brianna were being fat-checked, a really hot guy came down the stairwell. Oh. My. Effing. God. Gosh, was that embarrassing!!! We quickly ran out, and the rest of the girls went to see the really hot guy. I’ve never been so embarrassed, ever!!! I’m blushing now thinking about it. =3=

Feeling: Embarrassed
Listening To: The Maine – Santa Stole My Girlfriend (haha! the songs cute and funny.)

From Place To Place For My Prince Charming

holly292 — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 01:28:02 +0000

The weather dropped fast. On Wednesday, it was, like, sixty degrees, and then, on Thursday, it was thirty degrees, and today it was twenty-three degrees. As the temperature drops, snow falls. I can’t wait until it starts to snow. Last year, I remember it snowed, like ten inches, and the view to and from my school was beautiful. I could barely walk, and every time I fell, I’d laugh. The snow was quite comfortable, and I would usually lay in it. I’m not stupid, I’m just in love with the snow.

Along with snow, Christmas comes. I love Christmas, but Santa doesn’t always get me what I want. For example, last year, I asked Santa for those super-cool Ed Hardy shoes that Cristina has. Instead, he got me pink Converse. I wish Santa could read my letters. If not, perhaps Jason could help him.

Jubilee had noticed something. She noticed that everyone in our group wears a certain designer brand every day. For example, I wear Hollister Co., Jubilee wears DKNY, Natalie wears Dolce & Gabbana, Hanna wears Forever 21, and Justin wears Element. Jen just wears what her mom grabs on sale at JC Penny. Jubilee notices these kinds of thing, I don’t. I just daze off into my own world.

I guess I shouldn’t daze off so much. But I have to force myself to daze off during Algebra. I hate Freddie talking about asking out a girl next Friday. It’s annoying. He says it every day, and I truly can’t take it anymore. I don’t like him anymore, but, still it hurts…

I’ve never felt so alone in the world, ever. It’s probably a phase teenagers go through. Natalie went through it, and she ended up cutting herself. Jen went through it and she’s just crazy. I’ll probably end up normally, hopefully. And if I don’t, it’s Jason’s fault. He’s been telling me of the ghost that’s haunting his house. I think there is a ghost haunting his home because when I went there, I heard weird voices, and no one was there but Jason and his sister.

I already know who my friends are gonna end up with. Jen’s gonna end up with Justin, Natalie with either Jason or Alex, Jubilee with that Italian boy, and Hanna with her boy BFF. I, well, I don’t have anyone. I want to get out of New York City, there are no good boys for me here. There all heartbreakers. Perhaps I could go to Washington, D.C. When I went there last May for my end of the year trip, there were many cute boys. Maybe I’ll find that boy who offered me maple syrup in the hotel, the same boy who I ran into on the third floor at the same hotel. Or maybe that boy who sat next to me on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. But there’s one thing wrong with them: there both blond, so I’ll be reminded of Freddie. I could go to California, it’s full of skateboarders and surfers, with nice abs and tanned skin, but with pretty boys half-naked, comes pretty girls in string bikinis. So, Cali’s a no-no. How about Canada? I’ll fit in perfectly, maybe. I like maple syrup and Justin Bieber. I like cold weather, too. But, I’m not sure if the boys there are nice and caring or not. My feelings get hurt easily. Like Natalie said, “Holly has a heart made of red glass”. How about middle of America? Are the boys like the boys in Taylor Swift songs? Probably not. I’m not sure if I’ll ever escape New York City. ):

Maybe Jubilee will understand me. We share several small crushes. (by small I mean like me knew we’d never get with them, and we just thought they were cute.) One of the weirdest ones was in sixth grade. We thought out science teachers oldest son was really cute. I remember it as if it was yesterday…

It was a boring day in sixth grade, and our teacher was giving us a lecture about energy. In our table, I was laying my head against the table, Jub was drawing on the table with white-out, Jason was snoring, and Ian was flicking spit balls at neighboring tables. Then a really hot guy walks in and hugs our teacher. She introduces him as her son in college. He sat in our table and he told us about how his mom flung a cat over the fence. He was really cute, but he was like, seven years older than me. My God, my science teacher was ugly! How could she possibly give birth to such a beautiful boy!

I have a song stuck in my head. It won’t come out. I think I might need surgery.

Feeling: Numb
Listening To: Justin Bieber – Favorite Girl